Calendar An icon of a desk calendar. Cancel An icon of a circle with a diagonal line across. Caret An icon of a block arrow pointing to the right. Email An icon of a paper envelope. Facebook An icon of the Facebook "f" mark. Google An icon of the Google "G" mark. Linked In An icon of the Linked In "in" mark. Logout An icon representing logout. Profile An icon that resembles human head and shoulders. Telephone An icon of a traditional telephone receiver. Tick An icon of a tick mark. Is Public An icon of a human eye and eyelashes. Is Not Public An icon of a human eye and eyelashes with a diagonal line through it. Pause Icon A two-lined pause icon for stopping interactions. Quote Mark A opening quote mark. Quote Mark A closing quote mark. Arrow An icon of an arrow. Folder An icon of a paper folder. Breaking An icon of an exclamation mark on a circular background. Camera An icon of a digital camera. Caret An icon of a caret arrow. Clock An icon of a clock face. Close An icon of the an X shape. Close Icon An icon used to represent where to interact to collapse or dismiss a component Comment An icon of a speech bubble. Comments An icon of a speech bubble, denoting user comments. Comments An icon of a speech bubble, denoting user comments. Ellipsis An icon of 3 horizontal dots. Envelope An icon of a paper envelope. Facebook An icon of a facebook f logo. Camera An icon of a digital camera. Home An icon of a house. Instagram An icon of the Instagram logo. LinkedIn An icon of the LinkedIn logo. Magnifying Glass An icon of a magnifying glass. Search Icon A magnifying glass icon that is used to represent the function of searching. Menu An icon of 3 horizontal lines. Hamburger Menu Icon An icon used to represent a collapsed menu. Next An icon of an arrow pointing to the right. Notice An explanation mark centred inside a circle. Previous An icon of an arrow pointing to the left. Rating An icon of a star. Tag An icon of a tag. Twitter An icon of the Twitter logo. Video Camera An icon of a video camera shape. Speech Bubble Icon A icon displaying a speech bubble WhatsApp An icon of the WhatsApp logo. Information An icon of an information logo. Plus A mathematical 'plus' symbol. Duration An icon indicating Time. Success Tick An icon of a green tick. Success Tick Timeout An icon of a greyed out success tick. Loading Spinner An icon of a loading spinner. Facebook Messenger An icon of the facebook messenger app logo. Facebook An icon of a facebook f logo. Facebook Messenger An icon of the Twitter app logo. LinkedIn An icon of the LinkedIn logo. WhatsApp Messenger An icon of the Whatsapp messenger app logo. Email An icon of an mail envelope. Copy link A decentered black square over a white square.

Taking a hacksaw to his cake: Rab discovers that baking is not his strong point

Post Thumbnail

I’ve discovered something else that I’m rubbish at: baking. It’s funny – I’d got the idea, even before the pandemic bit, that it might be nice to bake a cosy teacake.

But, by the time I got down to the supermarket for flour, the shelves had been cleared of it. Everyone else had had a similar idea.

It reminds me of when I was house-hunting pre-lockdown. You’d think you’d discovered an area where prices were cheaper, and that you were the only one to notice this. Then you’d head there surreptitiously, only to find yourself part of a great caravan of people who’d had exactly the same idea at exactly the same time.

Basically, every time you think you’ve discovered such a place, thousands of people will be thinking the same, and the price will be rising even as you’re pulling on your shoes.

However, back to baking: eventually, I got a bag of flour (the only one remaining) and followed a recipe discovered online. The cake, complete with glaze, looked so lovely that I took pictures of it. Then I committed the fundamental error of tasting it.

Rab McNeil.

Actually, the taste was fine. But the consistency was like hard rubber. I went back online and concluded there’d been two possibilities: I’d put in too much flour and muscovado sugar, as it had specified cupfuls and I’d used mugs; or I’d stirred the ingredients too severely which, if I’ve read things right, can make things over-glutinous.

So, I tried again, this time with cups instead of mugs, and not mixing the ingredients so enthusiastically. I got a new cake tin, round instead of oblong. Once again, the cake looked great. Once again, I took photies. Once again, it tasted right chewy and I needed a hacksaw to slice it.

My morale plummeted. So I took a walk out in the garden and looked at all the dying plants that I’d planted. Gardening: something else at which I’m (all together now) … rubbish!

I don’t understand this. When I was a child, I excelled at everything except handwriting, chores, singing, dancing, staying clean, chewing my food properly, and walking in an upright manner. Then I grew up and became rubbish, or at best vaguely competent (sort of middling), at everything. Rubbish at all trades, master of nothing.

Maybe – no offence – you’re the same. I’ve spoken to friends my age who all agree we’re not the DIY men our fathers were. But some men are, and I suppose my pals are all from the useless, arty side of things.

Shouldn’t that make us good at gardening? Nope. Because gardening is also a practical business. I see other people – women especially – creating colourful, tasteful gardens as if they had a magical wand.

They’ve got the touch. In the meantime, I won’t be touching self-raising flour, raisins, muscovado sugar or mixed spice for some time to come, unless I try putting the self-raising flour on the flower beds to see if it makes anything come up.

As for muscovado: I don’t even know what that means. Is it Mexican for “useless”? You’ll be appalled to know that I left a raisin out for the wee solitary moose I sometimes catch scampering across the kitchen floor.

At least he says: “Thanks, Rab. I don’t think you’re rubbish.”