The past few weeks have been a real mixed bag of emotions, physical symptoms, fatigue, pain and nausea.
I struggle sometimes to have the clarity of thought on how to describe exactly what my life is really like on a day-to-day basis.
While continually dealing with the symptoms of Crohn’s, I try to suppress and fight negative emotions, putting a brave face on to try and appease others as much as myself.
The struggles of living with Crohn’s
I recently read an article that had a profound effect on me, it was almost like an epiphany. It was basically me. My daily struggles and life written by someone speaking their own truth, and that someone’s truth was my truth.
The reality is simply this, I don’t have a day where I’m symptom free. I haven’t in many years. Even being in remission I still had pain, nausea, diarrhea, aching joints, dry eyes, headaches and mouth ulcers.
On top of that, the emotions that I struggle with daily are exhausting. I share some things with those closest to me, but even then I hold back.
I fear them thinking that I’m a drama queen or I’m just attention seeking. I fear that my lack of engagement in the ‘normal fun things’ I used to do will drive my husband away – his life is altered too and I’m always aware of this. I fear that my friends will give up on me, that I am too depressing to be around and I’ll ruin the fun for them.
I cry so much these days that at times I barely recognise myself.
I hide these tears quite often as I worry again what people think of me. I used to enjoy going out socially with friends before this, but now I worry about it. What if it I become unwell when I’m out? What if I ruin their night? I feel like there is a grey cloud surrounding me that weighs me down, holding me back constantly.
Looking to the future
My future now frightens me, what lies ahead for me is now out of my control. I try to battle with myself that it’s not that bad, it could be worse. The thought that this is my life now can be completely overwhelming.
My reliance on medication does not sit well with me. I’m angry at my body’s inability to keep healthy. I feel grief stricken, grieving for me, the old me and trying to still come to terms with who I am now.
Do I think more time will help? I hope so. I feel like I have taken a real step backwards this past month. But maybe this is another part of the grieving process? Maybe it’s the final part? Who knows.
Writing this is tough. I am learning to be good at hiding the extent of my symptoms and masking my emotions.
But I carry on each day and face what it brings.
This is an honest account of where I am in life now. I have not given up and I will keep doing the best that I can, but for now, I’m exhausted with it all.
Kitchen is a safe space
My kitchen remains my haven, I cook and I forget. I love seeing my family enjoy what I create, it makes me happy. I like to play around with recipes and make them my own.
I love being in the kitchen on my own with music on and being busy – it’s my escape.
I have enjoyed how many people have reached out to share their own journey with me since starting this column and my Facebook page, and when people tell me how much they like my recipes it makes me smile. I have learned so much from others just by them sharing their stories too.
This month my cooking has been plain and simple, and I’ve stuck mainly to chicken and seafood dishes. I am also trying to keep budgeting in mind with prices going through the roof.
I’ve tried to be smart with my cooking. For example, when I bought a whole chicken I used it to make soup and picked the meat to make a pie. I’ll make a curry next time. I’ve also tried cooking more at once, stretching dinners to lunch the next day. My seafood spaghetti was a delicious midweek meal that made for a lovely cold lunch the next.
But my chicken pie was my favourite this month. It is simple a few people were asking for the recipe so thought I would share it with you all.
Chicken pie
Serves 4-6 people
Ingredients
- All of the white meat from a whole cooked chicken, chopped
- Two carrots, peeled and chopped thinly
- One medium/large onion, chopped
- One celery stalk, chopped
- Two cloves of garlic, crushed
- 1 pint of chicken stock
- 3 tbsp plain flour
- 50g of butter
- A pack of ready made puff pastry
- 1 egg, beaten
Method
- Add your chopped chicken to the pie dish. Then, melt butter in a pan and add your chopped vegetables. Stir so they are coated in the butter. Cover and cook on a low heat for around 10 minutes.
- Remove the lid of the pan and add your flour, stirring well, then leave to cook for a further few mins to cook out the flour.
- Add your stock in stages, stirring well throughout to prevent lumps. Now pour this over your chicken in your pie dish.
- Next, roll out your pastry big enough to cover the top of your pie dish and cover your dish, putting two holes in the pastry to let the steam out.
- Brush the pastry with a beaten egg then cook in the oven at around 160C Fan/180C/350F/Gas Mark 4 for around 20-25 minutes. Serve warm.
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