X-Factor? Pah. Britain’s Got Talent? Meh.
The Jump? Pfft. Strictly Come Dancing? Bleurgh.
Dancing on Ice? Hah. Splash? Just no.
I could go on. In fact I will.
The Voice? Harrumph. Masterchef? Tish and pish.
What, I hope you may now be politely inquiring, on earth am I talking about?
If it is mutually acceptable for me to take your posing of said question as the starting point, then I shall be delighted to elucidate and answer your question thus:
I am referring to talent shows and the increasing indifference many of us feel toward them.
However, that is not all.
Far from it.
I am here to offer an antidote. Some hope for the future.
And that hope comes in the form of, wait for it, the European Tree of the Year contest. Boom.
That’s right wood-fans, excitement has hit and indeed in some quarters exceeded fever pitch as, for the first time ever, Scotland has entered the prestigious pan-European contest.
Forget Eurovision, this is the real deal for Europhiles.
And what’s more, Scotland may actually be in within a chance.
We are rubbish at rugger and futile at footie but surely when it comes to the ultimate talent of having nice trees we are second to none.
I know you will have all your own favourites for the hugely prestigious title but only one Scottish tree can go forward.
As such the following announcement is likely to be leave thousands, if not millions, of wood-loving Scots disappointed so please do sit down and/or brace yourself.
Braced/seated?
OK, then here we go: it is my sombre duty to inform you that our entry is…Niel Gow’s Oak.
That’s right folks, the hopes of a nation lie with an old tree under which Scotland’s most famous fiddler did his fiddling.
Apparently we face tough competition from the likes of Romania, Slovakia and, closer to home, Wales.
Whether or not Gow is the only man to have enjoyed a fiddle under the Dunkeld tree on which the hopes of a nation rest is unknown, but he was certainly the most high-profile fiddler.
I can’t imagine the nation needs much convincing, but should it be required and for what it’s worth (I’ll settle for a £100,000 advance) here is what I believe is now required:
(a) the establishment of a premium rate phone line with a number dedicated to each tree in the running
(b) a man with a big chainsaw
(c) two hours of prime time TV on a forthcoming Saturday night
The rest really is child’s play.
Vote for your favourite. Trees with the fewest votes face being (quite literally) axed until just one the victor is left standing.
Europe may lose several fine trees but the television viewers across the continent will no doubt conclude it has been well worth it.
I feel I am duty bound, at this point, to lay down this marker: “Hands off Cowell, I thought of it first”
TV execs, you know where I am…