SEVEN POUNDS of beef or 28 quarter pounders a full pack of bacon, a block of cheese and a heap of pulled pork.
Those are the main ingredients in Poppas Revenge, a burger with an artery-stopping 7,000 calories.
It is being offered by St Andrews pub Rascals and anybody who finishes one has their bill ripped up and their picture put on the wall of fame. Those who fail fork out a hefty £29.95 and go on the wall of shame.
So far, no one has done it. One customer came close but staff later found a burger hidden in a plant pot. Another desperado asked for the remainder to be liquidised and fed to him in pint glasses.
Now it was my turn. I breezed in confidently and asked to see the dessert menu, just in case I was still hungry afterwards.
Then the burger arrived and my heart quailed. It was beyond enormous and came accompanied by a milkshake, chips, sweet potato, coleslaw, side salad and a bowl of magma chicken wings.
The wings are 100 times hotter than jalapeno peppers and you have to sign a waiver before eating them.
The meat was crammed comically into an ordinary-size bun. Picking it up was difficult and taking a bite out of the question. I attacked it with a knife and fork instead.
At the 10-minute mark assistant manager Ricky Smith came over to see how I was doing. “I’m impressed,” he said, adding that my tactics were unusual.
Most people separate the burgers so they can add the coleslaw, sauce and so on to break up the endless taste of beef and bacon. I had attacked it head on and was now staring at a cliff face of meat.
After about 25 minutes I fetched a huge sigh. I belched. My cutlery fell from greasy hands to rest upon the table.
For me the war was over.
The fight between man and food had been resoundingly settled and the winner was staring at me with a lopsided, meaty grin.
jmckeown@thecourier.co.uk