Broughty Ferry cheeseburger magnate Bob Servant is hanging up his spatula and swapping his moccasins for a pipe and slippers.
But he’s unlikely to be short of a bob or two.
He is rumoured to have enjoyed considerable financial rewards during Dundee’s “Cheeseburger Wars” of 1988, when he operated a number of burger vans.
Bob isn’t going quietly into retirement.
With My Head Held High: The Very Best Of Bob Servant is on pre-release now and looks likely to be the last book featuring the gregarious wheeler-dealer.
The self-proclaimed man of the people has now given The Courier an exclusive first peek behind the cover.
This is despite his previously fractious relationship with the local press.
Bob has been the subject of unwanted headlines on several occasions.
Like when he caused a perfectly fit, 83-year-old woman in Broughty Ferry Safeway to collapse into the exotic fruit section after he accidentally stared at her for over a minute.
Bob had mistaken her for Angela Lansbury from Murder, She Wrote.
The book is a compilation of his email exchanges with internet scammers, his Ask Bob responses, his romantic fiction, and his underrated guides to life’s greatest challenges.
He reveals his most embarrassing moment (accidentally wearing his jumper inside out to a bowling club disco in Carnoustie in 1983), biggest regret (losing his only VHS copy of ‘Bus Conductresses Gone Wild’ on the Waltzers at Broughty Ferry Gala Week in 1987) and why you should never look to make new friends in the supermarket car park.
A colourful trip across the water for Bob Servant
Local worthies and celebrities are featured in Ask Bob.
He tells Coldplay bass player Guy Berryman what happened one rainy day in 1993 when he was tempted to drive to Fife to purchase a “competitively priced clock radio”.
Bob said: “My van broke down on the Tay Bridge.
“I was inspecting it when a passing lorry driver threw a half-eaten sausage supper that hit me in the face. I then realised I was locked out the van.
“I stood waiting in the rain for the AA, during which time I contracted pneumonia, and another passing lorry driver threw a half-eaten mince roll that also hit me in the face.
“The van needed to be towed and I walked home to Broughty Ferry.
“While walking along the Dundee Road, a passing lorry driver threw a half-eaten lamb vindaloo that hit me in the face and caused temporary blindness to go with the pneumonia.
“I was in bed for a week. That was, without doubt, my favourite trip to Fife.”
Another email exchange reveals how Bob sent Dundee actor Brian Cox on the road to Succession when they met in 1959 at the Forte’s ice cream parlour in Dura Street.
Bob said: “You were clumsily chatting to some girls when I strolled over with one of my first and (arguably) best pieces of double entendre in a well-worked joke about flakes.
“The girls laughed so hard their eyes bulged up like marbles and a passer-by introduced himself as a top Hollywood showbiz manager and asked if I wanted to go to Hollywood with him ‘right here, right now’.
“I said, ‘No, my work in Dundee is a long way from being done.’
“He then turned to you and said, ‘I suppose you’ll do.’
“I walked away with my head held high, leaving the girls panting like dogs in my wake and your eyes brimming with jealous tears.”
Other highlights in the 230-page book include Bob’s Guide to Women, Bob’s Guide to being a Burger Vanner and “Stayin’ Alive with the Bob Servant Diet”.
How do you calm an angry woman?
Bob said: “The easiest way to calm an angry woman is to place your finger on her lips and say: ‘You are being utterly ridiculous.’
“The vast majority of women will instantly fall silent, apologise profusely and your Hell will soon be over.”
Bob Servant book contains invaluable advice on how to compliment a woman
Bob said: “You can say that you largely like her jumper, that she has a terrific walk, that her make up doesn’t look overly clownish, or, my favourite, simply caress her hair and say: “Dare I say, Timotei?”
How to resolve a conflict with a woman?
“My friend Tommy Peanuts had a wonderful piece of advice: ‘Always go to bed on an argument’. No matter what time of day Tommy’s wife had a go at him, Tommy would simply pop on his pyjamas and go to bed,” Bob said.
“It greatly cut down the amount of arguing and worked wonders for Tommy’s complexion.
“Unfortunately, his wife left him for a fun-loving electrician and Tommy now lives in a hostel, where sleeping conditions are a wee bit trickier.”
Bob invented the gourmet burger having launched his first during the Falklands War (the Belgrano) and has thrilled his punters with a conveyor belt of exotic concoctions.
Who could forget the popular Divorcee Special? (burger, chips, mug of gin, and small bottle of mascara).
So who better to give advice on how to be a Burger Vanner?
Bob said: “If you’re serious about running a burger van then you need a lot of meat.
“We buy a heavy bin-bag of meat every morning from a fun-loving butcher in Carnoustie.
“We use a ‘collage’ of meat, which is pretty much as good as it gets.
“‘Come and have some fun in a bun!’ is our famous battle cry and it brings the punters sprinting from their little punter houses with their mouths hanging open like lizards.
“The great thing about serving buns is the vast opportunities for double, if not triple, entendres.
“It’s no coincidence that our van attracts an alarming number of
divorcees, eager for some near-the-knuckle bawdy fun (IN A BUN).”
Fifty Shades of Broughty Ferry
Bob also tracks the birth of the idea of having bits of lettuce on a cheeseburger back to the 80s Yuppie movement, which he says was “part of their ‘loadsamoney’ culture”.
Some of his creative writing also features in the book, such as Fifty Shades of Broughty Ferry, about his encounter with a woman he met in the supermarket vegetable aisle.
The Ferry hero also publishes a copy of his last will and testament with details of what he will be leaving behind when he finally shuffles off “to the big disco in the sky”.
It reads: “I leave my extension to the good people of Broughty Ferry.
“In return, the anniversary of my death will forever be known as Bob Fest.
“Every man, woman and child will dress up as me in a bunnet and moustache and murals of me will be proudly displayed around BF.”
Proceeds from the book sale will go to the Dundee Bairns charity.
As ever, Dundee author and screenwriter Neil Forsyth edits the quote-worthy book, and will be signing copies at the Broughty Ferry Bookhouse on Saturday from 10-11am.
He told me: “I’m very honoured to be a patron of the amazing Dundee Bairns charity, and had been trying to think of something I could do to help support them.
“When I recently got back the rights to the Bob Servant books, I thought it could be a good opportunity to do a Best of Bob book with all money going to the Dundee Bairns.
“It was good fun putting it together, and I should thank Winter and Simpson in Dundee for their support in printing the book, particularly Stephen Simpson and Ann McHattie.
“The Broughty Ferry Bookhouse have made a fantastic gesture by not taking any commission on sales, so if anyone comes to the signing or buys it from their website I’d encourage them to consider buying another book while they’re there!
“I’m looking forward to doing the signing in Broughty Ferry on Saturday, and would just like to thank everyone who has bought a copy of the book and in doing so has supported a superb local charity.”
So what’s the verdict on the book?
Marcus Aurelius gave us the inside story on life as Roman Emperor in Meditations and Sun Tzu laid bare the secrets of conquest in The Art of War.
But Bob’s burger-fuelled musings are the only guide to life and love worth having – words of wisdom wrapped in greaseproof paper.
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