Like most decent citizens, I’ve a knife dangling from my trouser belt. Do not be alarmed. It’s my new “Swiss-style multi-function pocket knife”.
My actual, proper Swiss Army knife, kept in my overalls pocket, had come in handy so often that I decided to get another one, maybe to keep in the car or when out for long walks in the mild wild here. However, they’re pricey. I got this one two thirds cheaper.
Lots on it
It has lots on it too: blade, saw, scale scraper, unhook device, bottle opener, corkscrew, scissors, can opener, wire-lead device (for leading wires, we assume), nail file, metal file, hole punch, screwdrivers (Phillips and slot, which is just the end of the bottle opener), and the buckle for attaching it to your belt.
As with many products, “Swiss Army” is just a brand name for which you pay more. I’ve been pleased with my cheaper one’s performance so far (er, just opening and shutting the various tools).
I’m not sure where it’s made but, if I were to make an educated guess, I’d say … China.
Extraordinarily, nearly everything we buy now is from there. At any rate, the sales blurb indicates China: “All little tools could be folded easily without taking much place.” I see.
It also says that the tool is “for outdoor and indoor pursuits, camping, fishing, hiking, hunting, survival, emergencies, winter sports, DIY & general household use, car & travel”.
I’d never need it for three-quarters of that, certainly not emergencies: not my thing at all. Winter sports? Unhand me, madam!
Like most decent ratepayers, I deplore hunting, and I guess the scale scraper and unhook device are something to do with fishing: gruesome.
Indoor survival man
Broadly speaking, I’m in favour of survival, but would prefer doing that indoors. And I’d need to be sorely provoked before punching a hole.
Oddly enough, it occurred to me that I only ever used the knife blade on my Swiss Army tool, and that mainly to open Amazon packages (which it does well).
But there’ve been occasions in B&Bs when I could have done with a bottle opener or corkscrew to open intoxicating refreshments smuggled into the premises.
That said, I don’t drink wine now, as it makes my face go bright red, and I can’t have beer on account of the gout. Sorry, got a bit tearful typing that last bit.
I can generally get the top off a whisky bottle without resorting to tools.
I’m not sure I’d be comfortable taking such an implement with me ootside the hoose. Though these multi-function doodahs are legally OK, in principle I don’t approve of carrying knives aboot. Usually, if I’m going up town, I prefer a Samurai sword. Joke!
Crocodile Dundee (not)
We’re talking about a tool, of course, rather than a weapon. Still, I wouldn’t see the need for taking it to a restaurant.
And if I were threatened by a hoodlum brandishing an actual knife, I couldn’t exactly come across like Crocodile Dundee: “Call that a knife? This is a multi-function pocket tool!” Then I’d have to ask him to wait as it takes ages to unhook it from my belt loop.
Still, I like to have handy things. And – hark! – here comes the postie with another Amazon parcel. Stand well back, for I am about to deploy my latest toy.
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