When he was only 10 years old Stephen MacDonald tried to blow himself up with matches and paint thinner.
The terrified schoolboy had no real idea of what he was doing but he did know he could no longer cope with the constant sexual abuse at the hands of his teacher.
Stephen, now 53, was one of the first victims of paedophile teacher Stephen Lavery.
Last week at Dundee Sheriff Court, Lavery was jailed for two years for systematically abusing primary school pupils over a five-year period between 1988 and 1993.
It comes decades after he was first convicted in 1995 for sexually abusing two of his pupils, including Stephen.
The abuse started when Stephen was just 10 years old.
Now, he has decided to waive his anonymity to talk about what happened to him as a child.
Stephen finally broke free from the clutches of the paedophile when he moved to secondary school – but says even then Lavery tried to contact him.
“It’s time for me to tell my full story,” Stephen said.
“I want everyone to know what that man did – not just to me but to others.
“I also hope by telling my story I can encourage other victims of childhood sexual abuse to come forward.”
Stephen said Lavery was abusing him on an “almost daily basis” at school.
“I really don’t know what was going on in my head, I was so confused,” he said.
“Lavery was sexually abusing me on almost a daily basis.
“I felt guilty, I was mixed up, I thought it must be my fault. I really didn’t know what to think – I still find it so hard to explain.”
He would find any excuse to get me alone.
The constant abuse became so unbearable Stephen set a match to a tin of paint thinner and put his head to it as a cry for help.
He ended up in hospital terrified he was going to die or be left blind.
“My eyes were bleeding, my head and arms were bleeding – I was in a bad way,” he said.
But even confined to a hospital bed, Lavery found him.
“My mum and dad were in one day when I saw a figure at the door,” Stephen said.
“When I realised it was Lavery I was terrified.
“I got in a state and instead of saying I wanted him to go I told my parents to go.
“They went, thinking I wanted to talk to Lavery and then he came into my room and I was so scared.
“He actually asked me how I was and acted all concerned. He was playing mind games with me.”
‘Any excuse to get me alone’
He added: “He would find any excuse to get me alone.
“In the broom cupboard, in his class with the door locked, at playtimes, dinner times, at PE – any time at all he could, he would get me on his own.
“This all went on for three years. I learned nothing during that time, my education suffered so badly.”
A life ruined
Stephen said what happened to him at the hands of Lavery ruined his entire life.
He said: “That man stole my childhood.
“He also set me up for a lifetime of mental health issues.
“I ended up attempting suicide a couple of times. I suffered a lot from anger issues, I couldn’t form normal relationships.”
It wasn’t until he was an adult and had a son of his own Stephen felt able to report what happened to him.
He went to the authorities and in 1995 Lavery appeared in court.
He pled guilty and was placed on probation for three years for sexually abusing two boys between 1977 and 1980 while working as a teacher.
I’ve been in prison in my mind for 45 years
Stephen said: “I was gutted at that so when I learned he was coming back to court facing other charges I decided the time had come to speak out again.
“I have held this all in for decades. I thought it was my fault, now I know it wasn’t.
“I was filled with hatred and anger for so long I knew I had to change.
“I have changed now. I only feel pity for that man. He was a controlling bully.”
Commenting on Lavery’s sentence, Stephen said he was bitterly disappointed.
He said: “He’s an absolute sex predator, he should have been sent down for at least five years.
“I have been in prison in my mind for around 45 years.”
Former pupils of Dundee paedophile teacher call for public inquiry