~ Bond, James Bond, did sigh,
There’d be No Time To Die,
The cinemas had shut – one and all.
Time he had been given,
Good old 007,
To spy on our game – Scottish football.
~ Crazy moments aplenty,
In the year 2020,
But the weirdest occurred in Belgrade.
Not a Licence to Kill,
But a nation to thrill,
As the Euros, Scotland finally made.
~ The Tartan Army said cheers,
It will be 23 years,
For every Tam, Boab, Morag and Doogie.
Guess the next rhyme,
(Just a matter of time),
We all sang: ‘Yes Sir, I can boogie!’
~ Marshall saved the kick,
That made the Serbs sick,
All in the blink of a Goldeneye.
Now bound for Wembley,
And Hampden twice tae,
Bond simply had to find out: why?
~ What was the key,
To this Scottish glory?
Just who is this man called Steve Clarke?
Is he a villain,
Bond could no longer be kept in the dark.
~ He tracked him down,
To the centre of town,
By the bookies next to Casino Royale.
Pinned to the floor,
Clarke could take no more,
He looked up and said: ‘Listen here, pal.’
~ ‘You’re no wearing a mask,
‘Is that too much to ask?
Clarke’s disapproving look it did linger.
Bond then put his on,
It was like the sun shone,
He had nicked it fae Mr Goldfinger.
~ Handcuffed to a chair,
Clarke was in despair,
Then he told all without hesitation,
The mission was clear,
After such a dire year.
Scotland were plotting world domination.
~ For at Tannadice,
It had all looked so nice.
The title was United’s for the taking.
But the virus did call,
Like a big Thunderball,
It was then all about Zooms, booze and baking.
~ The season did stop,
No champagne went pop,
Instead, we all really started to wonder.
Without any fans,
Or serious plans,
Would Scottish clubs begin to go under?
~ St Johnstone got a fright,
Cheerio Mr Wright,
Scared the Living Daylights out of the Saints.
But it looked OK,
Down McDiarmid way,
When Callum came back – no complaints.
~ Then came the bigee.
In the spotlight were Dundee.
How they’d vote would be anyone’s guess.
Nelms was the man,
He had a cunning plan,
Dr No would become Mr Yes.
~ Hearts did bear a grudge,
Especially Ann Budge,
Off to the courtroom she did head.
Would United stay down?
Some trousers turned brown,
But the Jam Tarts were relegated instead.
~ It was more Hannibal Lecter,
Than merely just Spectre,
When Budge then went in for the kill.
Neilson she did nick,
It all seemed so quick,
Would they prove to be big boots to fill?
~ Off in his car,
Went Tony Asghar,
With Steve McClaren, talks he would hold.
Never Say Never,
Again – it looked clever.
But the hot news eventually turned cold.
~ The twist was Mellon,
Micky they did call on,
To take them back into the top flight.
He made a decent start,
Nil-nils became an art.
If they could attack they would be all right.
~ Meanwhile, over at Dens,
There were ifs, buts and whens,
Then came news that their campaign would start.
It was off to Tynecastle.
The source of much hassle,
And a 6-2 defeat broke their heart.
~ It got much worse at Ayr,
When Gowser did swear.
His words coloured the place in deep blues.
The Sky did Fall,
When he did call,
The players names even Dick Campbell wouldn’t use.
~ Down in Dunfermline,
They were speaking German,
When the Pars saw some money come in.
It did the job,
That extra few bob,
And matches they soon started to win.
~ What about Brechin?
They were pure done in.
No Quantum of Solace for the boss.
They’d been team 42,
The league table was true,
It had been loss after loss after loss.
~ Over in the west,
You might have guessed,
That the story was all about the Hoops.
Saints got a 1-1 score,
It should have been more.
But the result still angered the green troops.
~ Instead of 10-in-a-row,
It was a tale of woe.
For Celtic and under-fire gaffer Neil.
Mince in Europe,
But they did win the cup,
‘He must go’ you heard the fans squeal.
~ Diamonds are Forever,
But it wasn’t too clever,
When United came up with this gem.
They would get 49,
To all sit in line,
That prompted the Professor to condemn.
~ The ref sure was looking,
But gave only a booking,
It perhaps was For His Eyes Only.
A Morelos elbow?
Was it yes or no?
Didn’t matter, he still clattered Connolly.
~ ‘So Bond, we did think,
‘There had been such a stink,
‘That the country deserved a real lift.
‘The year has been shocking
‘Now in everyone’s stocking,
‘Qualification will be left as our gift.’
~ Neither shaken nor stirred,
James took in every word,
And asked to be part of Clarke’s new dawn.
The facts that we’ve got
Tell us Bond was a Scot,
Shurely the greatest and his name was Sean.