A friend of mine is so slavish in his admiration of Australia and Australian sport in particular, that he’s even read cricket legend Steve Waugh’s famously long-winded autobiography cover-to-cover.
All 842 pages of it; Jack Nicklaus, who you’d think might have a bit to write about, got his life story over in just 420.
But my friend had a point in his Oz adoration. For the last couple of decades Australia was a golden, blessed race of sports super people who were good at everything, sunkissed ‘Strine Adonises or Venuses were giving it the “no worries” atop winners’ podium across the world.
In cricket they were so good that the whole world was cowed. They had everything: punishing batsmen, devious bowlers, perfect tactics, and flushed with Oz super-confidence to sew up the mental side as well.
They were everywhere; rugby union, rugby league, swimming, golf, cycling. They had a great Olympics in Sydney in 2000 at virtually all disciplines.
Blessed with perfect weather to breed sporting excellence, and a willingness to invest in facilities, Australia looked to be competitive in perpetuity, astonishing for a nation half the size of the UK.
Where did it all go wrong? My friend is one of the many who are puzzled at Australia’s sudden malaise.
Australia won just one gold in the Olympic swimming last year; they used to have a rivalry with the Americans in the pool, but 15 golds to one doesn’t look like much of a rivalry.
The rugby union team struggled at the last two World Cups and lurches from one crisis to another at the moment. A leading player described the national squad as “toxic” and nary a week passes without a late-night fight in a bar.
The cricket team has imploded. Humiliated by England at home last time, the team were whitewashed in India on their way to the forthcoming Ashes Tour where they replaced their coach just 16 days before the first test.
Even the mental advantage has been lost. The time-honoured tradition of trying to get up the Poms’ noses by predicting a 5-0 whitewash has been trotted out by the usual suspects, but this time to be met mostly with derisive laughter. The final result may not be as bad as the other way around, but it might be close.
We can go to golf for a clue to why the Aussies might be in disarray.
There used to be a grand tradition of Amateur golfers from Oz travelling to play the British championship circuit every summer. They drove between the great links courses of Britain in rent-a-wrecks, drank hard at nights, but were on the range in the morning blowing away hangovers and the opposition.
Geoff Ogilvy, the former US Open champion, still regards this Wild Colonial Boy tour as one of his best times in golf.
The Oz boys still come, but they’re no longer wild. Instead they have to sign a contract with the Golf Union of Australia stipulating that they don’t drink alcohol. At all. One outstanding national squad player was banned for six months for accepting a celebratory half-lager when he won an event at his own club.
It just seems so un-Australian.
And the cricket team, with the ludicrous dropping of players for not fulfilling “homework” assignments, are the same. As is the union team, where a New Zealander coach has clearly created divisions.
The Aussies are best when they’re being themselves, boisterous, irreverent, maybe a little arrogant. If there’s a nation that can be sportingly successful by just being natural and not over-analysing, it’s them.
Just crack a tinnie and get on with beating people again.