Calendar An icon of a desk calendar. Cancel An icon of a circle with a diagonal line across. Caret An icon of a block arrow pointing to the right. Email An icon of a paper envelope. Facebook An icon of the Facebook "f" mark. Google An icon of the Google "G" mark. Linked In An icon of the Linked In "in" mark. Logout An icon representing logout. Profile An icon that resembles human head and shoulders. Telephone An icon of a traditional telephone receiver. Tick An icon of a tick mark. Is Public An icon of a human eye and eyelashes. Is Not Public An icon of a human eye and eyelashes with a diagonal line through it. Pause Icon A two-lined pause icon for stopping interactions. Quote Mark A opening quote mark. Quote Mark A closing quote mark. Arrow An icon of an arrow. Folder An icon of a paper folder. Breaking An icon of an exclamation mark on a circular background. Camera An icon of a digital camera. Caret An icon of a caret arrow. Clock An icon of a clock face. Close An icon of the an X shape. Close Icon An icon used to represent where to interact to collapse or dismiss a component Comment An icon of a speech bubble. Comments An icon of a speech bubble, denoting user comments. Ellipsis An icon of 3 horizontal dots. Envelope An icon of a paper envelope. Facebook An icon of a facebook f logo. Camera An icon of a digital camera. Home An icon of a house. Instagram An icon of the Instagram logo. LinkedIn An icon of the LinkedIn logo. Magnifying Glass An icon of a magnifying glass. Search Icon A magnifying glass icon that is used to represent the function of searching. Menu An icon of 3 horizontal lines. Hamburger Menu Icon An icon used to represent a collapsed menu. Next An icon of an arrow pointing to the right. Notice An explanation mark centred inside a circle. Previous An icon of an arrow pointing to the left. Rating An icon of a star. Tag An icon of a tag. Twitter An icon of the Twitter logo. Video Camera An icon of a video camera shape. Speech Bubble Icon A icon displaying a speech bubble WhatsApp An icon of the WhatsApp logo. Information An icon of an information logo. Plus A mathematical 'plus' symbol. Duration An icon indicating Time. Success Tick An icon of a green tick. Success Tick Timeout An icon of a greyed out success tick. Loading Spinner An icon of a loading spinner.

Quorn sausage rolls are on the menu for Rab’s pond newts

Post Thumbnail

Did I ever tell you there’s a pond and an old swimming pool in my garden? That probably makes things sound grander than they really are, and the idea of there being a swimming pool in a place renowned for its awful weather must sound right odd.

But there is indeed a pool, and I’m sure it’s the only one in the entire region. I didn’t know anything about it till after I bought the house, and typical of me, never questioned the peculiar pipes and equipment lying about the place.

On inspecting the property, in an odd moment between saying hello to the flowers, birds and trees, I must have told myself, ‘Oh, look, there’s peculiar pipes and equipment lying about the place’. But I never gave it another thought.

The pool has been filled in and grass grows on it now, but it’s stunted, rough and patchy stuff making the best of gritty soil from a builders’ yard. I don’t know what to do with it.

All my instincts are against paving over grass, but I thought it might look pleasant with plants in pots tastefully placed about the place. At the top end would be the imaginary summerhouse that’s never going to become reality due to a lack of willing skilled local labour.

Someone suggested buying turf, which I might investigate. I wonder what the birds and insects would prefer? I really shouldn’t care. I’m forever creating habitats that they’re supposed to like, and they just ignore them.

It reminds me of a canal where I used to like walking. All the local birdlife congregated in the places that had the most litter. That’s wildlife for you: they don’t care about nature.

From the pool to the pond is just one small step for men, one giant leap for Rabkind. If the weather isn’t too wet, I take a wee dander doon there while the breakfast coffee kettle boils. I painted the fence beside it bright yellow, as is my wont, and leaning on that I peer into the pond.

I don’t know what to expect. Someone said there were newts, but I haven’t seen any. I’ve tried enticing them out with Quorn sausage rolls, but I suspect they just hide under rocks, saying to each other: “What’s the beardie galloot doing noo?”

In a fit of ingenuity, I removed some weeds that I thought might be suffocating the place, only to discover that these were essential for oxygen or some similar nonsense. In a thrawn, self-defeating manner, furthermore, I’ve resisted looking up online the care and maintenance of ponds, as I’m trying to kill the instinct to watch YouTube videos for everything: “How to tie your shoelaces”; “Best way to cook oven chips”.

That said, I should have looked up how to erect a fence. Result: the whole thing is right wonky. I played it by ear and now I can’t face looking at it. I’ve since decided to invest in hedging to keep the deer out. Expect to see results by around 2052.

As for the pool, I’ll stick to the tried and trusted method that has got me where I am today: prevarication. And, to ensure I’m doing it right, I’ll look up YouTube for a video on “How to prevaricate effectively”.

Already a subscriber? Sign in

[[title]]

[[text]]