Few things on this planet annoy me as much as my (so called) smart meter.
We pay a fortune for energy nowadays so I’ve been keeping an eye on this meter. But it isn’t smart in any sense of the word.
It goes in a huff if asked to do something outrageous like its actual job (I’ve had colleagues like that). When it does deign to show information it tells blatant lies. The next day it tells more lies, but different lies to the previous day.
It sometimes thinks I draw in enough gas to replace Russia as the main supplier to western Europe. At other times it doesn’t even understand the concept of gas usage.
When I phone my energy supplier I am told lies, accused of lying myself, advised that I’ve moved my smart meter too far away from my house meter, then that I haven’t moved it far enough.
My neighbour was warned to keep his cat away from his meter as this “known issue” sometimes interfered with functionality. He doesn’t have a cat. His daughter owns a horse, so he asked if that could be the problem. The customer service advisor sagely opined that, yes, it very well might. His daughter, and her horse, live in Canada.
I really don’t like smart meters. So, as I’m in a moaning mood, I’ll list several other things I’ve seen written or heard recently that have greatly annoyed.
This * is an asterisk. A typographical mark. Asterix (the Gaul) is a comic character created by French writer Rene Goscinny. It shouldn’t take Einstein-level intelligence to work out that these are different things.
You follow suit not soot; unless you are sweeping a chimney. Intense doesn’t mean thoughtful. Legible and eligible are different. Cheek by jowl; not cheek to jowl. Unravel means more than just to reveal. You whet your appetite, you don’t “wet” it.
In the phrase “best bib and tucker”, tucker doesn’t mean food – as in the Australian slang term. To push the boat out doesn’t mean to try something new; it means to spend lavishly. The phrase is “as is my wont” when referring to an activity you are accustomed to, not “as is my want”.
Math as a shortening of mathematics is an Americanism. Please, please, let’s not allow “math” to catch on as a word in Scotland.
Lastly, I present this week’s winner in the “My God, no one really thinks that, do they?” awards. Sit down, pour yourself a red wine, this might shake your faith in humanity . . . the wizard in the King Arthur legends was not called “Merlot”.
Word of the week
Welkin (noun)
The firmament, the vault of heaven. EG: “Nowhere, in the endless welkin, is there a device so disliked as a smart meter.”
Read the latest Oh my word! every Saturday in The Courier. Contact me at sfinan@dctmedia.co.uk
