Shaun Ryder looked as mystified as the rest of us at the spectacle of maraca-shoogling assistant Happy Monday’s Bez struggling gamely to stay on his feet in the first episode of the 14th series of Dancing On Ice (STV).
The extensive padding to protect Bez’s own maracas and a crash helmet to avoid his melon getting twisted weren’t needed in the end.
He only just managed to stay vertical for the duration, while dancing to his own band’s Step On before a backdrop so trippy it should have come with a health warning.
Rest assured, you weren’t on any of the recording ‘aids’ his old band famously partook of – the dancing melons were really happening.
Then Shaun himself turned up on a flamethrower-laden ice-cleaning machine to launch a viewer competition, and game professionals Holly Willoughby and Philip Schofield somehow still managed to hold it together.
Bez was a trooper
Bez proved to be a gentleman and a game trooper in his latest reality telly appearance, but you had to feel sorry for the other, much better dancers appearing.
Early favourites include Pussycat Doll Kimberley Wyatt, Olympic BMXer Kye Whyte and determined Coronation Street star Sally Dynevor.
Brendan Cole’s appearance as a contestant alongside new judge Oti Mabuse also helped reinforce the thought that this show is basically Strictly, just colder, louder and much trickier.
Pettycur Bay in the spotlight
It was a slow week for telly.
It got even slower with the most unexpected reality television show of the month, as the second episode of Life on the Bay (BBC Scotland) and its easy-going look at Pettycur Bay Holiday Park in Kinghorn turned up on our screens.
Just how much drama is there to be wrung from a static caravan being installed on a hillside on the banks of the Forth?
Maintenance man Gibby looked nervous as he waited under several tons of holidaymaking, even though he looked quite safe unless both wheels fell off the thing.
Will the pub quiz get up and running again post-Covid? Can the young family who have just bought a new caravan on the site successfully dispose of the manky curtain pelmet that came with it?
Who knew Fife could look so sunny?
Everyone involved – staff, customers and residents – seems easy-going in that matter-of-fact Fife way, and the extensive drone footage of Pettycur Bay makes it look beautiful in the sunlight.
Not that it needs to try hard, it’s a great spot.
For an episode or so it’s a mellow watch, and you’ll be pining for summer holidays all the way through.
Voiceover artist Edith Bowman tries gamely to inject a bit of excitement into proceedings, though.
Meanwhile although the perky incidental music is designed to tell you something’s happening and you should pay attention, it probably isn’t.
This is slow telly with a few characters added, the visual equivalent of a week in a caravan where you just want to switch off and gaze out of the window at the scenery.
It was oddly comforting, although will that still be the case after eight ambling episodes?
