How Phoebe was born to her two Arbroath dads through surrogacy

Giggling with nervous excitement, Mike Carlin and Kyle Robertson took a selfie dressed in hospital scrubs.

Less than an hour later, tears of happiness streamed down their faces as the sound of their baby’s cries filled the operating theatre.

The Arbroath couple had just witnessed the birth of their daughter Phoebe, becoming dads through surrogacy.

Mike, 39, said:  “It was an amazing experience!

“She was just perfect in every way.”

Phoebe Robertson-Carlin was born in Ninewells Hospital, Dundee, at 12.24pm on September 1 2022, weighing 8lb 3oz.

Mike and Kyle, 30, had started their journey to become a family around three years earlier.

The couple have been together for seven years and Kyle said: “We talked about it pretty early on, not having a family that early, but that we would have kids if it was possible.”

Frustrated by fostering and adoption process

As well as researching surrogacy, they looked at fostering or adopting and applied to Angus Council. But they became frustrated at what Mike, a speech and language therapist, described as an intensive, intrusive and very long process to be approved.

Shortly before their panel hearing the pair decided to pause their application and take a few months to consider their options.

But then came a phone call out of the blue.

Mike explained: “People had been asking how we were getting on with the process as we hadn’t hidden it; we said we’d paused it and these were the reasons why.

“Within two days I had a phone call from someone offering to be our surrogate who already had a child of her own.

“I couldn’t speak. I just said ‘ok’.

“I phoned Kyle and told him then just broke down into tears.”

The surrogate wishes to remain anonymous but has agreed to Mike and Kyle sharing their story.

She said ‘I’ve got something for you’. She had a nappy and inside it was the positive pregnancy test!”

Mike

Kyle, who works in a children’s nursery, said: “We would never have asked anyone to do that.

“We talked it over, because regardless of them offering it’s still a massive thing.

“Because we’d already looked into it [surrogacy] we asked ourselves what happens if she does say ‘actually, I want to keep this child’; there would be nothing we could do.”

They and the surrogate discussed the arrangement in great depth and decided to get started.

She was already well-known to them both and their bond – which continues to this day – quickly strengthened.

Mike said: “We became really close; we were always open with each other.”

After health checks at Ninewells Hospital, the surrogate used ovulation tests to chart her fertile days and home insemination was performed using Kyle’s sperm and a syringe. Both dads are genetically linked to Phoebe.

The 12-week scan

After an early miscarriage in September 2021, their next attempt was just before Christmas. A few weeks later the three went for lunch during a shopping trip in Dundee.

Mike said: “We were in Frankie & Benny’s and she said ‘I’ve got something for you’. She had a nappy and inside it was the positive pregnancy test! I kept saying ‘are you sure? Are you sure?’ It was a shock. You expect it to be a long journey.”

He, Kyle and the surrogate had their first appointment with a community midwife at 10 weeks then went to Ninewells for their 12-week scan.

Mike said: “It was so surreal. We all just filled up to see this little baby forming.”

Throughout the pregnancy Mike and Kyle spent time with their surrogate and growing bump and were kept abreast of things like kicking and cravings.

To ensure she wasn’t out of pocket they paid for maternity clothing and got her anything she needed.

Last night before parenthood

As their due date approached it was decided that due to Phoebe’s size and a health condition of the surrogate, early delivery would be induced.

But then a scan found Phoebe had shifted and her feet were at the bottom. A Caesarean section was scheduled for the next day.

Leaving the surrogate in hospital overnight, Mike and Kyle returned home for final night of sleep – although they got very little – before becoming parents of a newborn.

They were back at their surrogate’s bedside just before 7am and around 11.30am were gowned up for theatre.

Only one of them was allowed in and Kyle volunteered to stay in the resuscitation area.

But he said: “It was literally only a sheet between us so I could hear Mike speaking and everything that was going on.”

Mike said: “They warned us when Phoebe was out that because it wasn’t a natural birth they have to clear the airways before you hear any crying.

“The anaesthetist said the baby was out and then we heard the crying and I broke into tears!”

“Me too!”, said Kyle “And so did the surrogate.”

Kyle cut the cord and after all the routine tests were performed he, Mike and Phoebe were given a room on the ward. The next day they took Phoebe home.

Mike said: “I don’t think we slept for the first night she was here, making sure she was ok.”

For the first three or four days, they had no visitors, giving them time to bond as fathers with their tiny daughter.

Mike said: “It was just an amazing time.”

They quickly settled into a routine, sharing night feeds, nappy changes and bathing.

Tea and see party

Kyle said: “We usually took night about but she was only up about once a night. She has been, touch wood, the best sleeper.”

Both took paternity leave, Kyle a month and Mike a full year.

When Phoebe was 18 days old they staged a ‘tea and see’ party, an alternative to a baby shower popular in America and often known as a sip and see.

Over three hours Phoebe had more than 60 visitors.

Since her birth – making a family of six including Australian silky terriers, Jorji, Nagini and Willow – the couple have formed a ‘baby gang’ and regularly go swimming or for other outings.

Mike said: “We are all first-time parents and we’ve all pulled together giving each other tips and advice. Even to this day we’d be lost without them.”

Phoebe, now 15 months old, is also a regular at choir sessions of Sing it Sign it: Tayside’s Makaton Choir which Mike runs in Dundee and Arbroath.

She calls both dads Daddy, but they use Daddy KK and Daddy Mikey to distinguish each other.

Sometimes when they are out and about there are awkward moments when people ask if it’s ‘mum’s day off’.

One woman told Mike she was sorry for his loss when he said Phoebe doesn’t have a mum.

But Mike said: “I like it when people ask.

“We were in Dundee and this woman had obviously overheard us talking.

“She came over and said ‘can I ask, are you two the dads?’ She said ‘that’s amazing, my son and his partner are looking at surrogacy’ and she started asking us lots of questions. That felt good.”

But Kyle said Scotland has “a long way to come” in regards to surrogacy.

As biological father and as their surrogate was unmarried, Kyle was on the birth certificate from the start but it was only after a parental order was granted by Arbroath Sheriff Court several months later that Mike was added.

Mike explained: “You can’t apply for a parental order until the baby is six weeks old, but no older than six months.

“The mum has all that time to change her mind.”

They have been lucky to have a trusting relationship with their surrogate and when Phoebe is old enough will explain that she was her ‘tummy mummy’.

Would they have another baby by surrogacy?

“In a heartbeat,” said Kyle.

“We would love to give Phoebe a sibling,” added Mike.

“We’ll be forever grateful and indebted to our surrogate and for the amazing thing she did for us to help us create our little family.

“It really does take a special person to do this and we were super lucky to find ours.”

The law on surrogacy

Surrogacy is legal in Scotland but surrogates can’t be paid. Money should only change hands for reasonable expenses, such as travel costs, maternity clothes and loss of earnings.

You can meet a surrogate through an agency but they can’t search for one for you and you can’t advertise for one.

When the child is born the surrogate is the legal parent. The other is her husband or civil partner. Only if she is unmarried can one of the intended parents be named as father on the birth certificate.

For the intended parents to become legal parents a parental order is needed within six months of the child’s birth, with the agreement of the surrogate after six weeks of birth.