I thought long and hard about what to give you as a (belated) Christmas gift, and settled upon a dictionary. Or, at least, the first few entries of a new dictionary I’ve been collecting words for. It is named Miss Peller’s Dictionary – she’s a rather severe, flint-eyed lady of uncertain years.
Every one of these is a spelling I’ve seen used. Mostly online, but some of them (I’m ashamed to admit) have been in newspapers. I’ve passed them all on to Miss Peller, with definitions that I think match the spelling.
Adultry: Unfaithful grown-ups.
Apocalips: disastrous facial condition.
Assma: A donkey’s wheezy mother.
Auntydepressant: The worst sort of Christmas guest – but she’s family.
Barbecue tongues: Painful way to flip burgers.
Barsalona: Spanish city for solo drinkers.
Brockolly: Oliver the badger.
Candydate: A sweet meet.
Chester drawers: Very large underpants.
Chawawa: A small dog crying.
Cod row: An underwater queue.
Coocoon: From which winged cattle emerge.
Dai of beatties: Welshman with blood sugar problems.
Diffrinse: An individualistic setting on washing machines.
Dog exorcise area: Place for walking the devil out of Bonzo.
Door Handel: Composer who helps to open.
Explanetary leaflet: Out of this world information.
Freekum: Angus village for unusual people.
Glory be to God in the heist: Deity of robbers.
Has bean: Formerly great Heinz can.
Hugmany: Lots of cuddles at New Year.
Irresistubble: Attractive, but difficult to shave.
Isickle: Cold and dangerous eyelash trimmer.
Kongcrete: Building material that tends to fall off skyscrapers.
Lacktoes intolerant: Failure to cope with foot deformity.
Lassie fair: Even-handed dog.
Lock Ness: Where English people think a monster is caged.
Longjerry: Very tall Gerald’s underwear.
Lose Women: TV show for newly-single men.
Happily merried: Pleased about being wed, but a little drunk.
Mindgrain: Really sore head, with corn.
The metalpause: Hot flushes for robots.
Miss Alined: Straight up and down beauty queen.
Nozzyous: Sickened by spelling errors.
Ofishinado: Knows a lot about trout and salmon.
Oh de colon: Plea for a nice-smelling digestive tract.
Pear of socks: Footwear for fruit.
Rapiddley: Best done in ra toilet.
Reel Madrid: Spanish dancing club.
Riter: Ritual scribbler.
Rudeolph: Ill-mannered reindeer.
Scuba diva: Highly-strung swimmer.
Sellsayus: A temperature everyone thinks should be put up for sale.
Sillow wet: Damp outline.
Sirmillar: Knighted for services to flour production.
Slight of hand: Small fingers.
Sole destroying: A long walk over rough ground.
Springbored: Bouncy, but dull.
Stockhome: Scandinavian warehouse.
Too be or not too be: Questions over the degree of be-ness.
Torchery: Painful, but well-lit.
Youkalaylay: Horribly mangled stringed instrument.
I should admit that Miss Peller is, of course, a lady I have merely imagined. But I’m sure you’ll have your own collection of calamitous spellings to add to her dictionary. Marry Krismiss.
Word of the week
Ides (noun)
A day roughly in the middle of the month (in the ancient Roman calendar). EG: “Beware the ides of March”.
Read the latest Oh my word! every Saturday in The Courier. Contact me at sfinan@dctmedia.co.uk
