I have a tale of horror to relate. I apologise in advance. You might want to sit down.
I was at a pharmacy and there was a queue of about eight for the till, waiting patiently. A woman appeared and marched straight to the counter!
This caused consternation in the ranks. We queuers looked at each other and directed hard stares towards the back of her head. She looked well-to-do (there’s a phrase you don’t often hear these days) and our stares bothered her not one whit.
After a short, but tension-redolent, silence one of our number let her feelings be known. She said, loudly, “Excuse me, I think you’ll find there’s a queue”. The woman (well to do) half-turned and, in superior tones, said: “I’m in a hurry”.
This should have sparked a saloon brawl worthy of 1940s black-and-white Westerns. But it didn’t. It elicited grumbles and tsks and quiet assertions that “we’re all in a hurry”.
The chap at the counter, our last hope for decency in this world, caved in and served her. And out she strutted, nose in the air.
It was appalling. I have been traumatised all week!
There are rules we follow, though we aren’t really aware of them. Language has many examples of this.
For instance, proper nouns don’t allow the use of articles. You rarely think about it but you wouldn’t say the Edinburgh or an Edinburgh.
It is also a rule that to speak English, you must use metaphors, similes and idioms. Without them you’d be a dead duck, like a fish out of water, heads would roll.
We all know the rule to not to mix metaphors. We don’t say the sunshine rained down, or the sacred cows have come home to roost.
Some verbs are linked to a person actually doing something, not just something being done. You need an object as well as a subject to make sense of the sentence. That sounds complicated until you read examples: “She dined the meal” is nonsense, whereas “she ate the meal” is fine.
Everybody knows when to use “who” and when to use “that”. You’d never say, “Steve, that likes cake”. You’d say “Steve, who likes cake”.
And you don’t put a contraction at the end of a sentence. No one would say: “You might not think this a good idea but I think it’s”. Or you’d say: “That’s a good idea, that is”, never: “That’s a good idea, that’s”.
Though I’ve tried to distract myself by blethering about language, that woman jumped the queue. And didn’t care. I still can’t believe it!
Word of the week
Obdurate (adj)
Stubbornly refusing to change one’s opinion or course of action. EG: “The obdurate woman disregarded the pharmacy queue. Making everyone fervently wish that her ailment, whatever it was, involved very bad smells.”
Read the latest Oh my word! every Saturday in The Courier. Contact me at sfinan@dctmedia.co.uk
