I never pretend to be something I’m not. Except sober – I’ve pretended to be sober a few times but I always mean what I say. I just sometimes don’t mean to say it out loud. Just because it pops into my head, it does NOT mean it should come out of my mouth. My mother always used to say my face would get me into trouble. I believe this lack of inside voice might be what she meant.
Speakerphone? No. I should not be put on speakerphone. We all know someone who can’t speak a sentence without swearing at least once. Don’t we? I won’t be remembered as a woman who kept her mouth shut and I’m okay with that. Not everyone gets the same version of me. One might tell you I’m a generous, kind soul. Another a cold hearted cow bag. Believe them both – I act accordingly. It’s taken me till my (almost) mid forties to realise that not everyone likes me but not everyone matters. I may not be everyone’s cup of tea but I am someone’s G&T. Or with regards to the mister, diet Pepsi and I’m just fine with that.
Back to the keeping off loudspeakers. This also applies to microphones, especially during meetings. Honestly, modern day virtual meetings are basically 21st Century séances with the ouija board in the form of a keyboard. Susan are you here? Susan? Make a sound if you can hear me. Is anyone else here? I can’t see you, can you see me? I’ve recently had to attend a few and as the new girl I’m keen to make a good impression. For my very first meeting I signed in as ‘Big Bertha’. A moniker that caused hilarity the evening before when quizzing with my friends. Not so funny in the cold light of a Monday morning meeting. I quickly left and re-attended pretending I’d never been there before.
Today’s meeting didn’t surpass the success of my maiden voyage. I managed to sign in using my given name (yay me), on time (hurrah) but through the work’s remote server meaning I didn’t have microphone or video capacity. Possibly a bonus but not particularly professional to be contributing to the discussion via the ‘chat’ facility. It DID allow me to eat crisps and not stress over my bad hair but somehow I forgot how to spell a word so had to change my whole sentence to avoid using it. During a quick break I managed to sign back in with full access and reluctantly placed my crisps to one side (I lie, I finished them). Kudos to ‘Karen’ from a neighbouring organisation, who managed to eat an entire packed lunch without skipping a beat. I believe Karen and I would be fine friends outside of Zoomland.
The second half of today’s meeting was also rudely interrupted by the big brave dogs. Believing they were protecting me from the postie. Or some falling autumnal leaves. Possibly a tiny bird? Who knows? I was safe. FYI they also never let me go to the bathroom (or anywhere else) alone. Or stare longingly to make me feel guilty when I don’t share my Pringles. Their ability to land themselves in the exact spot I need to get to in the kitchen when I’m cooking, just so I trip over them and die.
I told them off by sternly giving them a dog chew each. I then politely requested they stand down for the duration of the meeting and carried on. For two canines so determined to spend all their time on the forbidden sofa, they quickly decided lying across my feet under the table during this meeting was where they NEEDED to be. It was just a shame I’d left the back door open for them so I was now frozen solid and had to wear a winter coat in my own house.
The nights are definitely drawing in and in honour of autumn and its hour change I will also be cold, distant and filled with darkness. Especially when it comes to my two eejit dogs. Whom I will discipline by buying them new jackets and declaring out loud that I don’t care if they don’t like them, they’ll be wearing them…